Feeling distressed about his recent challenges, Cameron cried in my arms last night. He keenly feels the chasm between who he wants to be and how he sometimes behaves. I offered to pray with him and he said he wanted to say it. This was his simple prayer.
"Dear Heavenly Father,
Sometimes I fallow Satan's way. Help me to fallow Jesus."
I tried to help him understand that he is just a child who is learning and God is no more disappointed in him for his challenges than we are with Anne for not being able to talk yet. But I loved that prayer, not for him, for me. Isn't it the essence of where all our hearts should be? "Sometimes I make mistakes. Please Father, help me be better."
Monday, February 16, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY VALENTINES
On February 14, 1998, Evan gave me a Valentines card. We weren't even officially dating yet. He just said in the card that he hoped I got "everything I deserved in life." Well, I don't know what I deserve, exactly, but I know that I have had 11 wonderful years of kindness, acceptance, patience, laughter, hard working dedication, support, understanding, forgiveness, and love with him by my side...and he has given me the best gift of my life...my children. I know that this is the man God prepared for me. I know that in his mercy, God sent me this gentle soul of a man to balance me out. I fall more and more in love with him each year as I grow to truly appreciate what an extraordinary man he is and what a perfect match for me!
My sweet, sweet Cameron. How I love this child. Being his mom has been one of the great growing experiences of my life. I have learned so much about how God loves his children through their challenges and triumphs as I have loved him through his. He is so much fun, he really is. He LOVES to make me laugh. He has has had a rough few months, but is doing SO much better. He rushed off the bus yesterday yelling "Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!" threw his back pack on the kitchen table, pulled out his valentines from school, and called his brother and sister to come share his candy with him.
I will always think of Ewan as a Healer of my Heart. He was born in the same hospital room as our little Connor almost exactly one year later. He was the most cuddly baby ever. He just melted into my arms and put my broken heart back together. He continues to be my daily supplier of hugs and kisses. No one tells me they love me more than my Ewan. "I wub you, Mom." Ewan is always willing to share and give of himself. I really treasure the one on one time I have with Ewan because he just eats it up and relishes every minute. 
Heather is such a joy to our family. She has an inner light and confidence and spunk and joy that lights up the world around her. She has such a nurturing little soul and showers her dolls and stuffed animals with motherly love and tenderness. Heady LOVES to laugh. She finds humor in all kinds of things...even getting in trouble! I grew up with all brothers and all boys cousins most of my life...boys have always been my lot in life until Heather came along. What FUN little girls are! I hope Heady and I have the kind of relationship that my mom and I have. 
COULD YOU JUST DIE! Is this a cute baby or WHAT?! Life since Anne was born had been so crazy and hectic and overwhelming, but Anne has not been the source of the chaos, she has been a quiet source of peace in my life. She is so content and sweet and just looks into my eyes and coos and babbles and tries to tell me who she is...I have sensed a quiet peacefulness from Anne ever since her ultrasound. What a blessing she is. I have had trouble breast feeding in the past. I am SO glad that it is working out with Anne, because the quiet moments with her in my arms, her little noises and wiggles, her tiny fingers grasping my shirt, milk dribbling down her fat little cheeks...bliss...joy...peace...Anne
Anne got this little chair for Christmas from Santa. She feels like such a big girl when she gets to sit up and see all the action! We finally figured out she was ready to use it when we had her laying on our laps and she was trying to do sit ups to see what was going on.
She is the most content, easy going baby ever. She has such beautiful big blue eyes, she reminds us a lot of Ewan at this age...
Anne loves to suck her pointer finger. When we put her to bed, we can hear her slurping really loud as she sucks on it.
She is the most content, easy going baby ever. She has such beautiful big blue eyes, she reminds us a lot of Ewan at this age...Sunday, February 1, 2009
OUR LITTLE MAN
I thought I would update those of you who have written kind words about our Cameron. Boy has it been a rough couple of weeks!
I want to preface this by saying that I had a conversation with someone at church right about the time we decided to take Cameron off of his meds. There is a family at church who recently did the same thing with their son who has severe ADHD. I was talking to the dad in the hallway at church and he said that the first month off meds was "hell," and then after about a month, he emerged a new boy. In that moment I knew that I was supposed to hear those words...really HEAR them.
Cameron went from bad to worse to unbearable in the days that fallowed. His days at school were complete mayhem. He was so out of control, he was often removed from the classroom for safety reasons. He spent most of this past week in the Principal's office screaming for hours at a time and trying to turn over desks. He had a couple of days where he was so paranoid, he screamed and cried that everything was "scary" including his starwars action figures that he believed were going to kill him. If you don't think that I was tempted to give that boy some pills...good gracious it was scary for all of us. Thank Heaven for the kind Teacher and staff at his school who were in daily communication with me and gave him constant support and reassurance. They started him on a program where he repeats "self soother" phrases to himself througout the day, like "I will be OK if I make a mistake."
Cameron began seeing a new Occupational Therapist this past week. He was in a frenzy for their entire session. She said she "sees this all the time..." meaning kids who originally did well on meds, suffered extreme side efects, were taken off and went crazy for a period of time afterword while the stuff was getting out of their systems. This was so reassuring to me that we were on the right track.
During all of this, I was researching alternatives. I kept having the distinct feeling like we needed to take a more "natural" approach to treating Cameron. We've taken him swimming as often as we could, as swimming has always been a very calming activity for him. Off the meds, he has finally been able to play in his "quiet room" again for a couple of hours a day, which he hasn't done in a long time (another calming activity for him). He was so wound up, he hadn't hardly touched a toy in months. We found a pediatrician close to our home who uses the biomedical approach to treating Autism. Amazingly, he is covered by our new insurance and we were able to get right in to see him. We saw him yesterday and he was just wonderful. He drew a bunch of blood to run a bunch of tests and we started yesterday on an intensive program of supplement's and vitamins etc. The next step is starting to incorporate a wheat free, dairy free diet.
We are finally starting to see dramatic changes as this past week came to end. He is starting to be more of his old quirky, emotional, inflexible self...but not the scary stuff we were seeing last week. He even said this morning "This is the happiest I've ever been!"
I have thought a great deal in the past few months about when we brought Cameron home from the hospital. We had wanted a baby for so long. We had worked so hard to get him here and I had been so sick during my pregnancy...first with extreme nausea and then pre-eclampsia. When he was just a couple of days old, I remember holding him on my lap and just weeping with joy, and fear...fear that he would ever hurt, that anything bad would ever happen to him. I loved him with a love that felt almost suffocating, if that makes any sense. Like all first time parents, we hung on his every achievement and beamed with pride at the early signs of his brilliance. He astounded us with his passion and amazing memory. I tell him all the time, he is so special because he made me a mom, and being a mom is the best part of my life. Many of you have heard the story of when Cameron was four. I was putting him to bed and he came to give me hug. He started talking about how much he loved his family and how he was so glad "Jesus gave (him) this family." He then put his fat little hands on my cheeks and told me "Mom, my family is my only chance." Those words have rung in my heart every day these past few weeks. I know that God will direct us. I know that our Father in Heaven is the only person who loves Cameron more than we do and wants the best for this extraordinary little boy. I am proud to be his mom and I know Evan is proud to be his dad. I am so grateful for the knowledge that God can guide us in parenting him. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
I want to preface this by saying that I had a conversation with someone at church right about the time we decided to take Cameron off of his meds. There is a family at church who recently did the same thing with their son who has severe ADHD. I was talking to the dad in the hallway at church and he said that the first month off meds was "hell," and then after about a month, he emerged a new boy. In that moment I knew that I was supposed to hear those words...really HEAR them.
Cameron went from bad to worse to unbearable in the days that fallowed. His days at school were complete mayhem. He was so out of control, he was often removed from the classroom for safety reasons. He spent most of this past week in the Principal's office screaming for hours at a time and trying to turn over desks. He had a couple of days where he was so paranoid, he screamed and cried that everything was "scary" including his starwars action figures that he believed were going to kill him. If you don't think that I was tempted to give that boy some pills...good gracious it was scary for all of us. Thank Heaven for the kind Teacher and staff at his school who were in daily communication with me and gave him constant support and reassurance. They started him on a program where he repeats "self soother" phrases to himself througout the day, like "I will be OK if I make a mistake."
Cameron began seeing a new Occupational Therapist this past week. He was in a frenzy for their entire session. She said she "sees this all the time..." meaning kids who originally did well on meds, suffered extreme side efects, were taken off and went crazy for a period of time afterword while the stuff was getting out of their systems. This was so reassuring to me that we were on the right track.
During all of this, I was researching alternatives. I kept having the distinct feeling like we needed to take a more "natural" approach to treating Cameron. We've taken him swimming as often as we could, as swimming has always been a very calming activity for him. Off the meds, he has finally been able to play in his "quiet room" again for a couple of hours a day, which he hasn't done in a long time (another calming activity for him). He was so wound up, he hadn't hardly touched a toy in months. We found a pediatrician close to our home who uses the biomedical approach to treating Autism. Amazingly, he is covered by our new insurance and we were able to get right in to see him. We saw him yesterday and he was just wonderful. He drew a bunch of blood to run a bunch of tests and we started yesterday on an intensive program of supplement's and vitamins etc. The next step is starting to incorporate a wheat free, dairy free diet.
We are finally starting to see dramatic changes as this past week came to end. He is starting to be more of his old quirky, emotional, inflexible self...but not the scary stuff we were seeing last week. He even said this morning "This is the happiest I've ever been!"
I have thought a great deal in the past few months about when we brought Cameron home from the hospital. We had wanted a baby for so long. We had worked so hard to get him here and I had been so sick during my pregnancy...first with extreme nausea and then pre-eclampsia. When he was just a couple of days old, I remember holding him on my lap and just weeping with joy, and fear...fear that he would ever hurt, that anything bad would ever happen to him. I loved him with a love that felt almost suffocating, if that makes any sense. Like all first time parents, we hung on his every achievement and beamed with pride at the early signs of his brilliance. He astounded us with his passion and amazing memory. I tell him all the time, he is so special because he made me a mom, and being a mom is the best part of my life. Many of you have heard the story of when Cameron was four. I was putting him to bed and he came to give me hug. He started talking about how much he loved his family and how he was so glad "Jesus gave (him) this family." He then put his fat little hands on my cheeks and told me "Mom, my family is my only chance." Those words have rung in my heart every day these past few weeks. I know that God will direct us. I know that our Father in Heaven is the only person who loves Cameron more than we do and wants the best for this extraordinary little boy. I am proud to be his mom and I know Evan is proud to be his dad. I am so grateful for the knowledge that God can guide us in parenting him. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
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